Male
by cornel81
Summary: Male… male stands for… bad, badly, harsh, wrong; ill; evil; abnormal, defective. If someone wanted to describe my existence it would end up in… male. “Noooo, not again! Why? What did I ever do to deserve this?” I shouted angrily...


**The Black Balloon Contest**

**Title: Male**

**Your pen name: cornel**

**Characters: Bella, Edward, Nessie**

**Disclaimer: The universe of Twilight and its characters belong to S. Meyer. Characterization, plot, situations, Bella's tears and insanity belong to me.**

Male belongs to Ricardo Cocciante.

* * *

_Ti fa male _**_It hurts_**

_più male di tutto ciò che puoi immaginare _**_it hurts more than anything you could imagine_**

_quando succede, tutto crolla intorno a te _**_when it happens, everything collapses around you_**

_ti prende lo stomaco e la testa _**_it turns your stomach and head_**

_e senti freddo _**_and you feel cold_**

_Non sai cosa possono fare le lacrime _**_You don't know what tears can do_**

_quando non vogliono uscire _**_when they don't want to come out_**

_stanno lì, sul bordo degli occhi _**_they stay there, on the eye's rims_**

_e sei ancora più infelice _**_and you are even more miserable_**

_hai quasi voglia che tutto _**_you have a desire that everything _**

_sia finito _**_would end_**

_Male _**_Pain_**

_male davvero _**_real pain_**

_male come un cane abbandonato fuori _**_pain like a dog abandoned outside_**

_e sono qui col cuore a pezzi _**_and I'm here with my heart in pieces_**

_e sto male _**_and I'm sick_**

_Male senza te _**_Sick without you_**

_male come un uomo che non ha capito _**_sick like a man that hasn't understood _**

_che si può morire e vivere ancora _**_that you can die and still live_**

_si può morire e vivere ancora _**_you can die and live again_**

_

* * *

_

"_Come, love,"_ Edward said, smiling at me. His hand was outstretched and waiting for me to take it. I couldn't help but smile back at him. God, he was so beautiful, and I had missed him so much. I reached my hand to touch him and then I realized that his sweet, smooth voice sounded a bit squeaky. No, that wasn't right. I saw his mouth move, but the sound coming out was definitely wrong. And the weirdest thing of all… was the incomprehensible things that he was saying to me. I felt myself frowning at his words…

"…Ma'am…ma'am. That'll be ten fifty-four. Ma'am? Can you hear me?"

The frustrated sound of the cashier's voice brought me out of my stupor. I looked at her with mixed feelings of boredom and wonder. What was I doing in a supermarket anyway? It's not like I would be buying any groceries. Who would I be cooking for?

"Ma'am, I need you to pay for your purchase. It's ten fifty-four." I could hear the strain in her voice. She was trying to be polite, even though she sounded absolutely exasperated with something. And then I realized that she was talking to me.

"Huh? Oh…yeah…sorry." I quickly fished in my pocket for the cash to pay. I knew she had repeated the amount that my purchases cost, but I couldn't remember it. Thank God that the only money I had with me was a one hundred dollar bill. I guessed that would do for anything I might have bought. I never bought much anyway.

The transaction finished fairly quickly after I hander over the bill. She couldn't wait to get rid of me. I couldn't blame her. Every day, every _single_ day, I wished I could get rid of myself. Too bad I was stuck with me, stuck with my sad excuse of an existence.

With the paper bag in my hands that contained my not prescribed, yet necessary, medicine, I made my way out of the store.

I had no car. It was long gone. I didn't need it. I was never in a state to drive it anyway. So yeah, it was long gone. Sold, the first chance I got. I would have given it away if it hadn't been for Rose and her insistence on paying for it. She didn't understand that I didn't want to see that car ever again. There were too many memories, painful memories. I needed to feel numb again.

I clutched the paper bag to my breast with every ounce of my strength as I walked through the busy streets of Chicago. The same thoughts were running over and over again through my mind: _I need to get home fast, I need to fog my brain. I need to see them again._ The faster I walked, the harder I clung to the paper bag, like a precious phylactery, like it was my only protection.

I bumped into someone, causing me to panic, thinking I might lose the much needed remedy in my arms. As soon as I realized that it was safe in my bosom, I shot a hateful glare at the person that almost made me lose my footing. Everything around me froze as I saw Edward smiling brightly at me. "_Careful, love,"_ he scolded me lovingly.

"E-Edward?" I stuttered.

"_Let's go home."_ He kneeled and picked up a bronze-haired child. The moment I saw her, I felt my knees buckle. No, it couldn't be.

"Nessie, baby," I whispered to her, reaching out tentatively to stroke her cheek. I could feel my eyes watering. All I wanted was to hold her tightly and pepper her face with kisses.

"Get your hands off of me, you crazy bitch!"

What? My Nessie never swore. She was always kind, sweet and polite with a beautiful soprano voice. No, this voice was wrong. It was not hers. It couldn't be hers.

Instinctively, I recoiled and put my hand around my paper bag. The treasure I was holding had been, for a moment, forgotten because of the beautiful faces of Edward and Vanessa before me. As if a veil had been lifted from my eyes, the person in front of me no longer looked like Edward and Nessie. It was a young man, clad in a seemingly expensive dark suit, white dress shirt and dark tie. He held a mixed look of disgust and pity.

Maybe it was my glare, or maybe it was my general disheveled and pathetic appearance, but he cowered away, giving me a wide berth. A few people around us had observed the short interaction and had opted to do the same as him, only their eyes – I could clearly see it – were filled with contempt. I couldn't have cared less.

I hurried down the street to avoid any more incidents and to hide away in the safety and torment of my home.

The moment my eyes fell upon the two-storied Victorian house, sensations of both relief and dread came over me. It was once a beautiful house. There was still some of that beauty left, but I doubted it would remain for long; at least, not as long as I was living there. The state of neglect was immediately obvious from the overgrown grass that was rife with weeds. All the flowers that used to adorn the sides of the steps had withered, and in their place thorns had grown almost supernaturally. Entering the house seemed like a challenge now, the weeds prickling my hands every time I had to move them. But I didn't care.

I was about to close the door when I saw Nessie running through it, giggling, with Edward at her heels. He was chasing her and shouting; his voice was full of mirth and playfulness. "_You're in so much trouble, you little monster!"_

"_You can't catch me," _she shot back, breathless from her scuttle. I saw her running towards the stairs and Edward quickly hastened his pace and grabbed her in his arms. He spun her around and she laughed loudly. I could see the bliss in their faces and that warmed my heart. Edward blew a raspberry on her neck and her laughter filled the house.

"_Shhh, don't make too much noise__, sweetheart. We don't want to disturb Mommy."_

"_Sorry, Daddy__."_ She sounded and looked truly remorseful.

"_It's alright."_ He kissed her tenderly on her forehead. _"Wanna go play on the swing in the back yard?"_

"_Yay!"_ she cheered happily, and I saw them disappear into the kitchen.

I was about to tell them to wait for me when I caught a glimpse of my surroundings. Gone was the brightness that had enveloped them. It was just me; alone in my dreadful excuse of a home. The shutters were closed and no sunlight penetrated. Dust was all over the place, on the furniture, on the floor, on the curtains, gathered in the corners in large balls. As I walked through the living room to the kitchen, my eyes fell upon the once ivory couch. It looked more like yellow now, but again, I didn't care. The coffee table was in a horrible state; there were bowls filled with ash and cigarette butts, bowls that weren't ashtrays, bowls that, once upon a time, might have been filled with scented candles or chocolates in various flavors; all Vanessa's favorites of course. There were empty pizza and take out boxes with half eaten food and they, too, had some cigarette butts stuck on the left-overs. But the most prominent of them all were the empty wine bottles. And they were everywhere, not just on the coffee table, but on the couch and on the floor, lying haphazardly as I had left them the moment I had drunk the last drop.

If things had been different, I might have made a mental note to clean up, but I couldn't be bothered to. I had no strength in me to even try.

The kitchen was in no better condition. Every single kitchenware that was in the house was dirty, with food remnants scattered around chaotically. There were no clean plates, or glasses, or pans, or pots, or spoons, or forks… _Forks? No, no, no, don't go there, Bella_, I chastised myself mentally. _You've successfully kept everyone away and you should keep it that way. It would hurt them so much to see how pathetic you've become._

I took a ragged breath as I tried not to let any tears escape. It was not time, not yet. I needed the numbness first. With that mission in my head, I scanned the drawers for… My movements were halted by an encounter with a dead cockroach. _Welcome to my humble home, Teresa. I guess you weren't able to stay long. It seems the filth killed you._ The thought brought a tiny sardonic smile to my face. That's right, not even cockroaches could live in this pigsty. Why the hell was _I_ still alive? They say cockroaches are the most durable beings in the world, they can survive anywhere. What a lie! I was more durable than them. Why couldn't I die already?

I ran my hand through my greasy hair, heaving a deep sigh. The gesture brought a million memories. Memories of bronze disheveled hair – perpetual sex-hair – and bright green eyes and crooked smiles and strong arms and the scent of cinnamon and earth… and… _Not yet, Bella,_ I told myself, _a few more moments until you get your medicine and you can go there_.

I opened every single drawer – I didn't bother to close them; for all I cared, Teresa could have brought her whole clan and had a party. She couldn't have a party dead… maybe a memorial or a funeral – until I found the covetable bottle-opener. Mentally, I was fist pumping, outwardly, I didn't have the strength but to take the four bottles from the paper bag and grab eagerly at one of them to pop out the cork. The moment the aroma of the alcoholic drink hit my nostrils, I felt a sense of ease come over me. I didn't bother with a glass; I didn't have one clean anyway. On second thought, it wouldn't have bothered me anyway. I was worse than my dead friend, little Teresa, in terms of survival. No, it wasn't the lack of clean glasses that made me gulp the soothing liquid straight from the bottle. It was the eagerness for the numbness to start.

I drank until I had emptied half of the bottle. My thirst was momentarily satisfied, and I wiped the remnants of my personal nectar with the sleeve of my shirt. Little red spots stained the fabric. _I should do some laundry…_ the thought made me laugh briefly. Oh, the numbness was approaching. I made quick work of removing the cork from another bottle and took it with me to the living room.

I plopped on the couch that was right across the TV set which was mounted on the wall and then placed my bottles on the already over stuffed coffee table and grabbed the remote controllers; there were two, one for the TV and one for the DVD player. _Yay, movie time!_ It seemed that lately the red, numbing nectar was taking its effect more quickly. It usually took me a whole bottle and more, but now I only needed half of it to start feeling a bit tipsy. Whatever. The sooner I passed out, the better.

I turned on the TV and hit play on the DVD player's remote to start watching my movies. There were three of them, the beginning of the dream, the climax of the dream and the shattering of the dream. And I always started with the beginning, watching every moment from the first to the last. I was nothing if not thorough.

The title taunted me, as it did every time, _Our Dream_. I lit a cigarette and took a deep drag followed by a generous sip from the bottle in front of me with my eyes fixed on the screen.

"Come on, Bella, move your hand from your face." His sweet, playful voice filled the room. I had never before been more grateful that he had insisted on the Dolby surround system installation. I could now hear his beautiful voice coming from every part of the living room. It was almost as if he was there with me, as if he was whispering those words in my ear. I closed my eyes, reveling in the sound and imagining his breath fanning on my neck; a fantasy that covered my whole body with goose bumps.

I opened my eyes and I looked at myself on the screen, wearing a happy smile on my face and a bright yellow bikini on my body. I remembered having a red nose from the many hours I had spent under the sun. But I hadn't cared then, I was too happy – and too wrapped up in him – to care about the sun burn. Little did I know that one day I'd be withering from a worse type of burning; a burning that had turned my heart to ashes.

"Edward, go away," I scolded him from the screen playfully. Of course, I didn't want him to go away. I never wanted him to go away. I wanted him back; I wanted them both back. I took another drag from my cigarette and gulped quite an amount of wine. The scorching in my throat made me wince instantly, but the gratification from the numbness negated any discomfort that preceded it.

"You know I'm not going away, love." _But you did! _I thought as a tear rolled down my cheek. It was the first of many to come. "You're stuck with me, forever," he said behind the camera. I saw his left hand fan in front of the camera, showing off his newly acquired wedding band. Another generous sip from my medicine was necessary at his display on the screen.

The moment the younger me heard his voice saying those words, I had ran toward him, forgetting about the embarrassing sun burn, removed the camera from his hands and placed it on the small wooden table between our sun-beds. Even if it was from a strange angle, I could see myself wrapping my arms around his neck and kissing him with everything I had. Only the upper part of his torso was visible and a thin stripe of his white and red swim trunks. Contrary to me, he had obtained quite a nice tan. I remembered how his bright green eyes contrasted his skin and his bronze, always messy, hair became a bit more auburn than usual.

His large hands were splayed on my skin, covering most of my back, as he pressed my body tightly to his. The sensation of his long slender fingers, turning white as he applied more pressure, on my skin was amazing. My hands had flown to his hair, tugging and tunneling though it, making it even more messy; the sea salt holding it stiffly no matter how I ran my hands through it.

Someone clearing their throat stopped our inappropriate public display. We were newly weds, what did they expect? I tried to put as much distance between us as possible as my cheeks gave away my embarrassment. At least the rest of my face matched my nose. Of course, Edward would have none of that; he put his arm possessively around my waist, bringing my body against his. Even now as I watched it I could remember how even my ears were inflamed.

"Yes? How can I help you?" he asked the person responsible for the interruption in a voice as smooth as velvet. Any woman would swoon the moment they heard that voice. And me? I had never been more proud to know that he was mine, all mine.

A woman's voice came through the speakers. She was speaking in thick, accented English, apologizing for interrupting us and then informing us that our arrangements for tomorrow's sailing had been completed and that should we need anything else the staff in the reception would be more than happy to help us out, any time of the day or night. Before she left she asked if we needed anything else. We didn't need anything but each other. The moment she was out of sight, Edward attacked me. The camera was long forgotten and the only things visible were our tangled limbs. The sounds, however, were more than audible; his grunting and my mewling that quickly turned into moans from both of us.

I had always hated Edward spending money on me, but the fact that we had a private beach had been more than appreciated at that moment.

Those had been three of the happiest weeks of my life. I had had no idea where we were going for our honeymoon, but I had made a request. I wanted a sunny and hot place. I missed sunny Arizona when I came to live in Forks with my father at the age of seventeen. That was part of the reason I insisted on having the wedding in the mid summer.

But I had had no idea Edward would have gone to such extent as taking me to Crete, in Greece. The resort had been magical. And he had booked a wonderful suite with both a private pool and a private beach. The days and nights we had spent making love in and outside of the water came in front of my mind's eyes. There were no documents of our lovemaking other than the grunting and moaning in the video in front of me, but I could remember every thing with the utmost detail.

I felt my heart clench at the memory, knowing I would never again feel his hands on me, his body pressed tightly against mine. I would never again hear the sound of his voice whispering sweet nothings in my ears while hugging me as we made love. I would never again hear him exclaim my name in his utmost pleasure. I would never again feel his kiss against my lips, against my skin. Never, _ever_ again.

The tears were uncontrollable. I wiped them away with the sleeve of my plaid, flannel shirt. I needed to clear my vision to see his face as the photo slideshow started. He was a Greek God, an Adonis, he was Apollo personified. I grabbed the next bottle and fished for another cigarette, but the pack was empty. I reached for the new pack in my shirt pocket, and I realized I would be missing part of the pictures slideshow. As I reached out for the remote, I dropped it on the floor. I was missing more pictures. "Shit," I cursed out loud as I picked up the little device from the floor and fumbled, panicked, with the buttons to rewind the video.

The moment I saw the first picture, I sighed in relief, feeling my anxiety ebb. The forty-two inch screen was filled with the wonderful view of his face. I clutched the bottle tightly in my hands. With every picture, I took a sip. With every picture, tears rolled down my cheeks. With every picture, my heart clenched a bit more. With every damn picture, I felt I was dying a thousand times. _Why won't my goddamned heart stop?_

He was looking at me through the screen, in all his glory, smiling, as happy as he could be, clad in the white suit he wore on our wedding day. He always took my breath away, but that day… that day, he had been the epitome of male beauty. The next picture was of us kissing on the altar as the priest had announced us husband and wife. Then we were accepting wishes and congratulations from our guests. We both had face splitting grins. I froze the slideshow on the next picture. We were standing; shaking hands with our guest – I couldn't remember who the people standing in front of us were at that moment – and our gazes had locked. Never before, had I seen two people more smitten with each other. He was staring into my eyes with such adoration and devotion. I'm sure I mirrored him at that moment, but the fact that _he_, Edward, _my Edward_, was pouring all his love at that captured moment, brought a new wave of pain. Pain that, no matter how much wine I drank, couldn't be forgotten.

I set my gear on the table and buried my face in my hands, wailing. My body felt like it was falling to pieces and yet, I was still here, alive. Oh, God why? Why him? Why us? But of course, there was no God to answer me. There was nothing. It was just me and my pain. God, if he ever existed, had long forsaken me. If there was no God, then was there no Devil, Lucifer, Velzevul, whatever he was called? Because, if he existed, I'd have gladly sold my soul to him, if he could only bring my Edward back. Faust had been a petty man. He sold his soul to become young again. No, I didn't care about such trivial things; I would gladly wither away and die, I would gladly swear off my youth, just to see his beautiful face again.

My arms wrapped around my torso, trying to hold me in one piece. The wine was not working. It never seemed to work anymore. I needed something stronger. I struggled to make myself stand, and with slow deliberate moves I made my way to the bathroom. I opened the cabinet as I searched frantically for some painkillers or tranquillizers. I was having a panic attack, again. It wasn't something out of the ordinary. Every night I would watch those videos, I would feel the agony of not having him, them near me. Finally, I found them! I fumbled to open the bottle as fast as possible, only to be disappointed, finding it empty. I threw it on the floor of the bathroom with all the force that was left in me, in frustration. I started looking again in the cabinet. I couldn't seem to find the coveted bottle that would bring me some relief. In the process of searching I was throwing bottles and boxes with medication haphazardly around the bathroom. Behind all of the medication stood one last little bottle. I took it in my hands and read the tag, _Lorazepam_. The relief of finding it was, in a matter of seconds, washed away by the dread that it would be empty too. I shook it and the sound of the pills against the plastic was like music to my ears. I opened it quickly and took two pills in my mouth. I bent over the sink and drank some water to chase them down my throat. They would take a while to kick in. And, unfortunately, the much desired numbness and grogginess wouldn't last long. So, I opted to take the bottle with me. I had two more DVDs to watch.

I entered the living room and Edward's face looking down at me with love was still on the screen. I placed the pills on the coffee table and walked to the DVD player to change the disc. The screen was now huge in front of me and I couldn't stop my hand flying of its own volition to touch my love's face through the screen. I caressed his features and I felt heat on my hand from the monitor. I closed my eyes, imagining it was his face I was touching and not a piece of machinery. "I will always love you," I whispered to his frozen visage.

I mustered all the strength I had to replace the disc. I walked back to the couch and settled with my wine bottle in my lap. I hit play again and drank the red liquid languidly, as if it was quenching my thirst. It was a different kind of thirst, not physical, but emotional.

"Edward, stop filming me!" I whined through the screen. I was splayed on our bed caressing my inflated belly. I remembered how fat I used to feel during the pregnancy and how much more self-conscious.

"Until our little tiger kicks again, I'm not going to stop," he replied and zoomed in on my belly.

The camera moved as I swatted it away. I didn't need any memorabilia of my ugliness.

"Hey," he protested playfully.

"Edward, please," I whined. "I'm huge, I'm fat, I'm hideous. Please stop filming me," I begged again.

The camera moved out of focus and he exclaimed, "What?" He didn't bother to shut it down; he just left it randomly on the foot of our bed and crawled up next to me, enveloping me in his arms. He kissed the side of my head with all his love and grabbed my chin between his thumb and forefinger to make me look at him.

"You do know you are being utterly ridiculous," he scolded lovingly. "You are the most beautiful human being in the whole world, inside and out. And now? Now that you're pregnant with our child, you look even more beautiful. Please don't say things like that about yourself, because it hurts me deeply." He leaned in and placed a soft kiss against my lips. I could see him smile while kissing me and when we broke apart his voice was husky with need. "And I didn't even mention how sexy you look."

My on screen self instantly protested and truthfully, I still couldn't understand how it was possible that he thought of me as sexy when my waistline seemed to rival the equator. "Edward, please, I know I'm _far_ from sexy."

"You don't know anything," he said and started kissing me passionately. I tried to remember the sweet taste of his lips. His hands were caressing my whole body until they grabbed the hem of my shirt and started pulling it up. My hand flew to his and halted his movement. I broke apart from the kiss and took a few seconds to catch my breath.

"The camera," I said, panting heavily. He usually took my breath away, but being pregnant had put quite a strain on my lungs and my body in general.

Edward crawled to reach the camera and turn it off.

A sad smile adorned my face. I could remember that night. He had made me feel so desirable, so sexy, so much of a woman. He had been sweet and tender and very attentive to all my needs.

The next part that came onto the screen kept my smile in place.

I was at the hospital, with my legs lifted up and spread as I was going into labor. I was in great pain and I wasn't making any effort to hide it. Edward though, was hovering over me with that damned camera.

"Edward, get the hell out of my face with that cameraaa… ahhh," I screamed as the contractions became more frequent.

"This is important for both us and our-"

I cut him off before he could say 'daughter' or 'son'. He had seen the sex of the child on the ultrasound, but I refused to know. He, on the other hand, insisted on telling me. Oh, the endless nights we spent arguing over that. There had been a positive side to that, however; the sex after the arguments had been amazing.

"Don't you dare tell me the sex of this child…ahhh…" I took a deep breath, "…or I swear this will be the first an…ahhh… and last child we have…ahhh!"

He seemed to be unfazed by my screaming and kept filming me with the damn camera.

I tried a more calm voice this time, hoping that pleading might stop him. "Edward, please…ahhh…please, I'm in so much…ahhh…pain."

But there seemed to be no reasoning with him. He kept filming and shoving the camera in my face and my vagina. I was looking at Edward's footage and was laughing at his antics. Suddenly, I saw a very embarrassing close up of a region of my body I wouldn't want anyone to ever see. It was funny when the camera was filming over the nurse's shoulder and when she rose from her crouching position, she hit the device that seemed to have been attached to Edward's hand. She yelped in surprise and scolded as softly as she could, given Edward's status in the hospital, "Dr. Cullen! We're trying to deliver your child!" The camera was zooming on the nurse's face that was instantly adorned by an almost evil grin when she added, "Unless you want to deliver the baby yourself?" But the response came from a writhing me. "No!" I shouted, and everyone in the delivery room burst into laughter. I remember hearing someone mumble something about doctors and their wives.

After a little more playful banter – which when I thought about later had helped a lot to ease my anxiety – Edward had given the camera to one of the nurses while he came and held my hand. He had been right next to me, constantly touching me and whispering words of assurance; that everything would be okay, that he loved me more than anything and that our baby would be the most beautiful and loved creature in the world.

After a couple of hours of watching – I didn't once skip the DVD, I couldn't – I saw myself holding a bundle in my arms. My face was bright with the happiness I felt and the adoration for the little creature I had in my bosom. All the pain I had endured was long forgotten. Truthfully, I'd endure even worse if I could have her back. Edward placed a soft kiss on my forehead and whispered to me, "Thank you for this amazing gift. I love you so much." Then he turned his attention to the little person that, miraculously, was not crying. "Hello, Vanessa. I'm your Daddy." His voice was laced with love and awe.

I turned to look at him questioning the name. "Vanessa?"

He shrugged. "Don't look at me like that. You named her." I was staring at him incredulously. "You kept saying that every night in your sleep and rubbing your belly."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't want to spoil the surprise of the sex."

"Thank you," I whispered and leaned to kiss him.

The video of the labor was followed by a series of photographs in a slideshow of Vanessa coming home for the first time; being fed in my arms in the nursery; taking her first bath; and mostly smiling. My sweet little girl was such a happy baby. She never once kept us awake. It was amazing how she slept during the night so soundly. There was a photo of me surprised as I exited the nursery after having tucked her to sleep. I looked absolutely dreadful, but Edward had thought I looked delectable and had attacked me before I had had the chance to enter the bathroom for a much needed shower. He had long stopped being objective about our daughter and me.

Then, the part of her first birthday came. She looked adorable in her green dress that matched her eyes. She had inherited Edward's eyes and hair, but my bone structure and features in general. She was the most beautiful little girl I had ever lain eyes upon, and the fact that she was my daughter had nothing to do with it.

This DVD was filled with happy memories. All her birthdays, from her first to her fifth. The happy summers spent on the beach in Florida; and her happy days among the greenery of Forks; her playfulness and her quick wit. She had been a very quiet baby, but quite a talkative child. All the quietness we had enjoyed when she was an infant was taken back when she filled our lives with her beautiful chatter. Her sweet voice when she first said "Momma" and "Dadda" filled the room and the tears filling my eyes spilled over. Our elation at the sound of those words had been indescribable. Edward was planning on placing her in an advanced program in school. Thank God I had been able to reason with him. The remembrance of Edward's antics when Vanessa started talking brought a smile despite the pain I felt of looking at my beautiful child; of knowing I had for ever lost her.

I knew the video was about to end and the haze the Lorazepam always brought was fading away. I felt chills running through my body and my throat was extremely sore. I took a couple of pills and pushed them down with some wine. The alcohol was definitely what I needed to both ease the pain in my throat and help the drug kick in faster. I had to be well prepared; the hardest part had yet to come; the destruction of all that happiness.

I got up for the last time to change the disc and couldn't tear my eyes from the smiling face of my daughter. It felt as if she was looking me straight in the eye. _My baby, my sweet and beautiful baby_. How I wished to hold her again in my arms, to kiss her, to feel her powdery scent. How was it possible that someone so amazing was taken away from me? What sort of sins was I paying for that I had been punished like this? Hadn't it been enough to lose my soul mate? Did I have to lose my baby too?

My breath hitched and I felt like I was choking. I lay down on the floor and brought my knees to my chest, rocking myself, hoping that the tranquilizers would kick in soon. I was about to break down and fall completely apart and I had some more to watch. I reached over the coffee table and grabbed my life preserver. I gulped down the alcoholic liquid voraciously. I needed to pull it together; my memorial had not finished yet. I had one more. I was trembling with the knowledge that the only thing I had left of my little girl was these pictures and videos and… My hand flew to my neck and clutched the golden heart shaped locket. My knuckles turned white and I could feel my nails digging into the flesh of my palms. I brought the beautiful piece of jewelry in front of my eyes and with trembling hands I tried to open it. I struggled with it for a while, breaking a nail in the process, my hands were shaking so badly. Why weren't these goddamned pills working yet? The few seconds seemed like eons. Finally! The locket opened and I was looking at its content; a picture of Edward and me on one side and a picture of Vanessa on the other side. Their beautiful faces always brought a smile on my face, but they didn't stop my tears.

A few moments passed with my eyes locked on the locket and I felt the Lorazepams beginning to work. I changed the disc and remained lying on the floor looking at the large monitor in front of me.

This one was different. This one was our destruction. The tears intensified as I knew what was coming.

It was a surveillance video from the Palatine branch of the TCF National Bank. The date on the bottom, right hand corner read October 14th 2008. The branch had recently installed a new security system, so it was one of the rare surveillance videos that had sound.

I watched as Edward entered the bank with five-year-old Vanessa perched on his shoulders. I remembered the morning as if it was yesterday, rather than a year ago. It had been Edward's day off from the hospital and we had decided to keep Vanessa home and spend some time with her and maybe go for a short picnic.

I had been writing my third book. The previous two had been best sellers and that was why my editor was pushing me for a new one, "when the crowds were still warm," as she had put it. I had a three month deadline and was working frantically, almost day and night. So Edward had thought it would be better to take Vanessa along with him while he ran a few errands.

"Give Mommy a quick hug and a kiss and let's go. We don't want to be late, now do we, Nessie?" Edward had kissed Vanessa's forehead lovingly.

"Edward!" I had scolded. "Don't call my baby after the Loch Ness monster!" Even though I rebuked him for using that nickname, I had caught myself many times doing the same thing. He had given me his swoon-worthy crooked smile and Vanessa had come running into my arms. I had hugged her tightly and kissed her chubby, rose cheek. "Have fun with Daddy and come back quickly." I had turned my gaze to my gorgeous husband, giving him a pointed look. "But not too quickly." He had shaken his head, smiling, and had leaned down to kiss me softly on the lips.

"We won't," he had whispered. Another kiss and… "I love you so much," he had said with intensity, his eyes smoldering.

"Hm, where did that come from?"

He had tilted his head to the side. "Can't I tell my wife I love her?"

"It is imperative that you do." I had blown him a kiss. "Now, go!" I had felt so happy, so completed. I loved them both so much.

I had been waiting to hear the front door close when I saw Edward appear in the doorway with Vanessa on his shoulders. My hand had flown to my chest as I had been startled.

"I'm going to the bank. How much should I withdraw?"

I had been panting from the start he had given me; I couldn't think. Still clutching at my chest I had said breathlessly, "I don't know. You decide."

I had heard Edward shout excited as they headed out, "We're getting the pink coach, Nessie!"

"Yay!' she had exclaimed happy.

The pink coach was a real size princess pink carriage, handcrafted out of wood and fiber glass. It was every girl's dream, but way too extravagant and expensive. I didn't care about the money; we could afford it, even if it cost over forty-seven thousand dollars. And for Nessie, I would have spent any amount. But _that_ had been absolutely over the top. I hadn't wanted her to be a spoiled child.

"Don't you dare, Edward Cullen!" I had shouted from the bedroom. I had heard him laugh wholeheartedly, and I knew that he had only been teasing me.

My eyes focused back on the screen in front of me. Nessie was giggling and Edward was bouncing her on top of his shoulders which made her giggle even harder. A few of the customers in the bank turned to look at them and smiled at the happy scene.

I saw Edward search around the branch with his eyes and then he approached one of the girls at the customer service area. I had seen this video so many times that my ears were trained to hear only his voice and everything that surrounded him and Nessie was nothing but a mere whisper. After so many times of watching this DVD and after the pills I had just taken, I was at the point of not being able to tell how much of it had actually happened and how much I was imagining. The only thing I heard – or maybe I was trained to hear, or finally the drugs were working their magic – was Edward's sweet voice saying, "Hello," and Nessie mimicking her father greeting the clerk as well.

She smiled warmly at him. _"Good morning, Mr. Cullen. How are you? And who is this beautiful young lady?"_

"_Nessie!"_ my beautiful girl chirped.

"_Vanessa…"_ Edward's tone was soft but more firm, gently scolding our angel. He put her down from his shoulders.

"_Sorry, Daddy."_ She looked up at him and I saw him smile. My tears had not stopped for one moment, my drinking either.

My daughter extended her hand gracefully and introduced herself, _"I am Vanessa Carlie Cullen. Nice to meet you." _

Edward bent and placed a soft kiss on top of his daughter's head, pleased with her manners.

"_Such a well-mannered, young lady,"_ the girl said taking Nessie's little hand in hers shaking it. _"Nice to meet you, Vanessa."_

"_I don't see__ Roberta. Isn't she here today?"_ Edward asked.

"_Oh, Roberta was feeling a bit under the weather and she didn't come in today. Can I be of any assistance?"_ All the clerks at this branch knew both Edward and me and were always very helpful with us, but Roberta was our personal banker and she usually took over any transaction we needed as we waited in her office.

"_It's all right,"_ Edward waved at her and bent down to pick up Nessie and put her back at her place on his shoulders. _"I just needed to make a withdrawal. I'll go wait at the tellers."_

"_You don't have to do that, Mr. Cullen. I can take care of it."_ She tried to stand, but Edward stopped her.

"_No, no. I don't mind. We've got plenty of time today,"_ he turned then to Vanessa, _"don't we, sweetheart?"_

She nodded her head in response and her father smiled brightly at her. She had been the sun and the moon to us. She had completed our happiness, our love and now… A loud sob escaped my throat. I tipped my head back, averting my gaze for a few seconds from the screen, and taking a swig from my bottle and then another one and then a third, until I was able to focus on the 'footage' in front of me again. A fleeting thought passed through my mind, if I should be disturbed by the fact that I could hear them speak only when I was looking at the screen directly.

I saw him walk away from the customer service area towards the tellers. I knew what was going to happen next. I'd seen it over a million times.

"No, Edward. Go back! Please, go back. Let her do it for you. Please, Edward, please…" My voice was strangled by my sobs as I begged his figure. He didn't listen, but he only sauntered toward the tellers' area looking absolutely happy and bouncing our daughter with every step he took.

There were five people waiting in front of him to get service at the tellers. I heard Vanessa ask her father about the song that was playing through the speakers. Apart from his beautiful eyes and hair, she had also inherited his love and inclination to music.

"_That's Mozart's Sonata No. 16 in C major,"_ he replied.

"_Will you play it for me, Daddy?"_ she asked merrily.

"_Of course I will."_ He took her tiny hand and placed a soft kiss on top. _"Would you like me to teach you how to play it?"_

"_Yes!"_ she cried and all the heads turned to look at her. Edward was suppressing his laugh at our daughter's antics while giving apologetic looks at the people in the area.

"_Shhh, baby. It's not polite to shout."_

"_I'm sorry, Daddy."_ She hung her beautiful head.

"_Apology accepted."_

They were both so perfect, so happy, so unsuspecting of what was about to happen, and I… I was the most miserable creature on the planet. My breath caught in my throat and I gulped hard. I was thankful to any deity or demon that my bottle was still filled with the comforting liquid. I drank from it, trying to lubricate my throat in hope of being able to breathe normally, but it didn't seem to have any effect. My vision was blurred by the tears that had filled my eyes. I made quick work of wiping them so I would not miss a second of my DVD, but the blur insisted.

And then, it all started. It was the beginning of the end; the end of our lives and the beginning of my hell.

The double doors opened widely as three men dressed in black and wearing stockings over their heads came into the bank holding firearms.

They shouted, "Everybody, freeze! This is a robbery!"

My blood froze and my eyes were trained on every move Edward and Nessie made. He slowly dismounted Nessie from his shoulders and brought her into his arms, clutching her tightly to his chest.

One of the robbers was holding the central door shut, while the other two were all over the tellers. I noticed their mouths move, obviously shouting at the tellers and spewing expletives the whole time. I had blocked their voices, or maybe… I never heard them in the first place… They demanded the money and the tellers told them that they had to wait as the vaults had a time delay mechanism. They wouldn't hear of it. They were pointing the guns in the tellers' faces and one of them – a petite girl – collapsed on the floor. One of the robbers jumped over the counter and inside the tellers' area. I saw him make a movement that I assumed was a kick. Later on, I found out that he had indeed kicked her to see if she had really fainted or was pretending. He had kicked her in the face so hard that she had extensive head injury and many broken facial bones.

The second robber standing outside the tellers' area started shouting and swearing at the other teller to open the vault. He was gesticulating as he was trying to convince him that there was nothing he could do to open the vault more quickly. The robber was starting to lose his patience and he threatened the teller again, almost putting the gun in his mouth. The teller took a step backwards, trying to put as much distance as he could from the man holding the weapon. The robber lost it and shot at the ceiling.

I saw Edward clutch Nessie tighter in his arms to protect her with his own body. But Nessie was so frightened by the gunshot that she started crying… loudly. Edward was desperately trying to hush her, but she wouldn't stop.

"Hush, baby." I reached for the screen touching where her little frame was visible. "Please listen to your Daddy and stop," I begged her digital image, but of course she couldn't hear me.

It seemed like the more her father begged her to stop, the louder she got. Unfortunately, Nessie's crying didn't go unnoticed by the robber. He ran to where Edward and Nessie were standing and shouted at him.

"_Shut the fuck up!"_

I saw Edward clench his teeth, trying to hold back his anger and the urge to attack him. If he hadn't been holding a gun he would have been tackled by Edward and beaten to death for having spoken like that to our angel.

His yelling spurred another wave of crying from Vanessa. Edward was desperately trying to make her stop.

"Oh, baby. Please stop crying," I pleaded her as if she could hear me. "Please stop, sweetheart. Mommy loves you so much, just stop crying." I was talking to a screen. She couldn't listen and I was desperate.

"_Make her shut the fuck up!"_ The robber turned to Edward pointing his handgun at him.

"_I'm trying,"_ he spat back, but in a low voice as not to disturb Nessie. _"If you stopped yelling at her, then she would stop crying."_

"_I don't fucking care! Put something in her mouth."_ He took out something that looked like a cloth or a tissue from his pocket and tried to approach Nessie in an effort to stuff that awful thing in her mouth.

"No…" I wailed. "Stay away from her, you bastard!"

Edward instantly reacted and avoided the robber's attack. _"Don't you dare touch her!"_ I heard him spit at him in an angry undertone.

The robber didn't seem to have heard him. He threw the cloth in their direction, which barely touched Nessie's foot on its lazy semi-circular course to the ground.

"_You either shut her up, or I'll make her!"_

"Get away from them!" I rose on my knees and yelled. "Leave them alone!" I cried as I slouched back and cried knowing that there was nothing I could do.

Edward tried to hold Vanessa with one arm again and place her, as much as he could, behind his body. The angry man pointed his gun at Edward and removed the safety in his effort to intimidate him. I could see the look of hatred and disgust in Edward's face. I was sure he didn't care about anything at that moment but his daughter's safety. He would have given his life for her.

The moment the thought crossed my mind I cried, "Oh, Edward, don't…" My voice, already hoarse from crying, died in my throat.

At that moment the vault timer beeped indicating that the necessary time had passed and it was ready to be opened. The robber standing inside the tellers' area called his partner to come and help him. He complied, but not before shooting an evil look at Edward.

As they were placing the money in black trash bags, Edward brought Nessie into his arms again, rubbing her back, trying to soothe her. The voices of the robbers gathering the money were a dull sound in my ears. All I could hear was Edward's sweet voice trying to calm Nessie.

"_Hush, baby. Daddy's here. I got you. Everything will be fine, just stop crying and we'll be home to Mommy in a flash, okay?"_

To the reference of my name, instead of calming, Nessie started wailing again, _"I want Mommy!"_

Edward was desperately trying with everything he had, but to no avail. He was rocking her in his efforts and she was still crying. She was such a stubborn child.

"I'm right here, baby." My voice was croaky. "I'm right here…" I brought my knees to my chest and put my arms around them, rocking myself. I buried my head between them and my chest and wept.

"_What the fuck did I tell you?"_ My head shot up and my eyes flew to the screen. The robber approached Edward again, pointing the gun at Vanessa this time. _"If you don't make her shut the fuck up, I will!"_ he threatened again.

Edward's eyes bulged and his arms were protectively around our daughter's frame. _"You won't lay a hand on her!"_ he seethed at the robber. _"She's just a child! If you would stop yelling and swearing at her, she might be able to stop!"_ Anger and fear mixed in his tone.

The robber punched Edward in the mouth. _"This is the last warning!"_ he screamed. Edward's head swung to the side, but he didn't lose his balance or his sense of his surroundings for one moment, I could clearly see that. A slight hope crept in me that everything would be alright. But of course it was vain.

Vanessa's little hand flew to her father's face where the robber had struck him. He winced slightly at her touch and she noticed. _"I'm okay, love."_ Edward tried to assure her as he took in her concern. She had stopped crying and now she seemed angry. Why did she have to take after her father?

"No, baby, no! Daddy is fine. Please don't say anything," I told her.

"_Leave my Daddy alone!"_ she yelled at the robber. He looked bemused by her reaction and it was apparently the last thing he expected.

He laughed. _"Or what?"_ he challenged her.

In the blink of an eye Nessie had flung herself from her father's grip and tried to attack the robber, but Edward managed to contain her quickly in his arms. _"You're a mean, mean man!"_ she said with as much hatred as an angel like her could.

"No…" I cried.

"_Vanessa, that's enough!"_ I heard Edward reprimand her in stern voice, but I could detect the underlying dread for his daughter's well being.

"_You little piece of shit."_ The robber shook with an evil grin on his face. _"You think you can hit me?"_ He leaped at her, but Edward was faster and managed to twirl her away from him. As he twisted his body around hers, he managed to avoid the robber altogether, but Nessie's heart-shaped locket escaped her clothes and flew around her neck visible to anyone standing as close as the man was. I saw the man's face change expression, from annoyance to greed. He must have thought that it was expensive. And truth be told, it was, but it wasn't something out of the ordinary. It was expensive only because it had been specially ordered and had Nessie's initials engraved on it.

"_She's just a child."_ Edward's voice sounded pleading.

He smirked. _"Fine, as long as I get that,"_ and pointed at the locket around Nessie's neck.

Sometimes I wished Vanessa was not as bright as she was. She instantly understood what the "mean, mean man" wanted from her and she held her locket in her palm protectively.

"_No!"_ she said firmly.

_Oh, no Vanessa. No!_ I begged internally. "Please, baby, give it to him. It's okay…"

"_You either give me the necklace__ or I shoot her,"_ he addressed Edward.

If looks could kill, the robber would have been long dead. Before he could say anything though, Vanessa interjected.

"_No! It's mine!"_ she said and clutched it tightly in her tiny hand over her chest.

"… please, baby. Just give it to him…" I was desperate.

"_Not for long,"_ the robber countered.

"… Mommy's gonna get you another one. Please… please… Nessie…"

"_Come on, Nessie,"_ Edward tried with his velvet voice to convince her, _"Mommy's gonna get you another one. It's alright." _

"…yes baby, I will. Listen to, Daddy. Please… just… give it to him…" Strong shudders were running through my whole body from the panic I felt.

"_No!"_ she insisted. _"Mommy gave it to me for my birthday."_

"_Give me the goddamn necklace!"_ the robber growled.

"… oh Nessie, please… please… Mommy's gonna get you a million lockets, just give it to him…"

"_No!"_ she said fiercely.

Edward saw how dangerous the situation was getting and moved quickly – as much as Vanessa being in his arms allowed him to – to remove his watch and hand it to the robber. _"Here, take my watch,"_ he practically pleaded him. _"It's a Breguet, it's worth over three hundred thousand."_

"_I don't want your fucking watch,"_ the robber sneered at Edward. It was one of the most expensive watches and worth much more than Nessie's locket. If he had been smart he would have taken it, but he was a stupid bastard._ "I want the fucking necklace. Now give it to me, or I'll take it!" _His voice was threatening and I shivered.

"…please just give him the damn locket, Nessie!" I shouted at her eidolon on the screen. "Give it to him for God's sake!" I begged her again.

"_No! It's mine!"_ she said firmly.

"For the love of all that's holy, please, please, please…" I was crying so hard I couldn't recognize my own voice. "… give him the locket… please, baby…"

"It's okay, love, Mommy won't mind." Edward cooed while he removed the locket from Nessie's neck. I saw tears running from her eyes and my heart broke in a million pieces.

"…that's right. I don't care about the goddamned locket…" My hands were touching the screen where her face was. If I could, I would have jumped in and snatched that stupid locket from her hands and give it to the robber.

"_Come on, man. We gotta go!"_ The robber holding the shotgun called as he made his way out of the tellers' area.

"…please, baby… please… I'll buy you a thousand lockets… It's okay, it's over, stop crying now," I kept begging her.

Edward handed the locket to the robber, while Nessie was bawling.

"…please…just…" I hadn't stopped pleading with her for one moment.

"_Lemme get this necklace for Leah and we're gone."_ He turned his attention to Nessie then. _"Gimme the necklace, you brat!"_ he said, smirking and reached to take it from Edward's hand. The satisfaction of having defeated a five-year-old was written all over his face.

Finally, the piece of jewelry was at his possession and he was examining it while still holding the gun in his hand. The same gun that he had removed the safety a few moments ago. And then… a gunshot reverberated in the room.

"NOOOOOOOOO! God nooooo… please… nooooo…" I howled as I watched Edward stagger backwards while still holding our precious, beautiful little girl, until they both fell on the floor.

"No, no, no, no…" I was frantic, I was going crazy.

My eyes were locked on Edward and Nessie's bodies. He tried to sit up and tend to her. There was blood all over her tiny little body. He tried to move, but he let out a scream of pain.

"_You idiot!"_ the other robber yelled at his partner and slapped him on the back of the head.

"_It was an accident,"_ he defended.

"_You fucking asshole!__ You shot a child!"_ he spat in disgust.

Despite the visible pain, Edward put all the strength in him to try and help Nessie. He cried in pain as he cradled her in his arms trying to locate the wound. I saw him press tightly with his large hands and long fingers on her belly. He was shaking her to wake up despite the pain.

"_No, baby, no. Please stay with me,"_ he choked.

"Stay with us, Nessie…please… Mommy loves you so much…" I caressed her features. "Please, Edward, make her okay, please, love…" I begged my husband desperately.

"_Please, someone give me a cloth,"_ Edward shouted around him. _"I need to stop the bleeding." _He started coughing and the moment he saw blood in his hand he cursed_. "I don't have much time, please… someone,"_ he begged.

One of the girls from the customer service area rose from her desk and ran to Edward. She took off her jacket and gave it to him. Edward thanked her gently and put the jacket over Nessie's abdomen, applying pressure to stop the bleeding.

"_Can you please hold her?"_ he asked the girl and she nodded with a sad look on her face.

"Please, Edward, make her okay. Fix her! Fix her… fix her…" I asked him time and time again.

The girl held my daughter as Edward tried to stand on his knees.

"_Don't you fucking move!"_ the robber that shot him commanded. Edward glared at him and ignored his warning. What more could he do to us?

"You bastard! Stay away from them!" I yelled and pounded my hand on the wall right next to the TV.

"_Put her on the floor,"_ Edward instructed.

"_Do you know what you're doing?"_ the girl asked timidly in a low voice.

Edward nodded and then added aloud, _"I'm a doctor."_ He bent over Nessie's motionless body and put his head over her chest. She was so small, that when he brought his head back up it was covered in blood. A few of the women in the branch gasped loudly. Edward paid no attention and concentrated only on our daughter.

"Please Edward… please, my love… please make her okay… please…"

A red pool began to form around her small body. I would have given anything to trade places with her and save her.

Edward asked for another cloth to help him stop the bleeding. The wound was penetrating and the bullet had ended up in his body. He placed the piece of clothing on the exit wound and pressured as hard as he could. I saw how much it hurt and exhausted him, but he didn't stop. He was a man on a mission and the only thing that mattered was Vanessa. He only stopped for a few seconds to settle down from his coughing. And every time I saw him cough his hand would be covered in his own blood, which made him curse loudly.

While Edward was desperately trying to hold our child alive, the robbers bolted out of the bank. A few moments later I heard someone call to him that they had called an ambulance and the police. He nodded his head, but never stopped working.

After a while I noticed him move his head closer to her face and his hand to her pulse point on her neck. I heard him utter an expletive and he started compressions on Nessie's heart.

"No, no, no, Nessie, don't… please don't leave me… please baby come back to me…" I splayed my palm on the monitor and let it slide down.

"_Come on, Nessie, __**come on,**__"_ Edward growled desperately. _"Come on, baby, please."_ His voice broke. He was crying while still trying to revive her. I saw from the look on his face what that meant. He was trying even though he knew there was no chance anymore. _"Come on, VANESSA!" _

"Noooooo… Edward… please bring her back… bring her back…" I fell to my knees again.

He was pounding her chest harder, but still there was no response. He tried more fervently and the switched to mouth to mouth and when he coughed blood again, he didn't bother to hide it with his hand, he used the sleeve of his sweater to wipe his mouth, it quickly turned from white to red. He begged her to come back and I with him. _My baby, oh God, my baby!_ I wiped the tears angrily for not letting me see them.

Finally, he gave up. He dropped to the floor and brought her in his arms and rocked her, crying like Nessie had never cried when she was a baby, not even when she was teething. He was howling and screaming in pain. And I… I was doing the same thing on the floor, in front of the TV, watching him suffering for our child as I suffered for both of them.

And then, then my world came crashing down again. Edward collapsed with Nessie in his arms. The girl that had helped him earlier removed my baby from his arms and put her gently on the floor.

"Nooooooo… Edward… not you too, please not you too…"

"_Mr. Cullen,"_ she tried in a tentative voice._ "Mr. Cullen… Ed-Edward," _she stuttered. When she saw he was not responding she looked around for some help from one of the people in the room frozen at the scene that was unfolding. I was shaking my head knowing what was coming and yet I didn't want to accept it.

"Oh, Edward, please don't leave me too…"

She slapped him a couple of times until I saw his eyes flutter. My heart leapt. Maybe there was hope, right? Deep down, I knew there wasn't. Edward looked at the girl expectantly and then disappointment marred his beautiful face – it was still beautiful, despite the blood.

"_Bella,"_ he whispered.

"I'm here, my love… I'm right here… please don't leave me… please I can't lose you both… please Edward…" I sprang to the screen and shook it as if it was going to bring me my husband and daughter back.

"_Bella, my wife," _he coughed. _"I love her…"_ another cough and this time some blood dripped from his mouth. The girl wiped it away with her own sleeve.

"_It's alright. The ambulance is coming; you'll get to tell her yourself."_ She smiled at him through tears.

"Yes, my love. She's right. Rest and you will tell me yourself." I gulped in my effort to keep my tears at bay. "You _have_ to tell me yourself," I demanded.

"_No, don't have much…"_ he coughed some more blood.

"God no, please don't take him away too, please…"

"… _much time,"_ he finished struggling. _"Tell her… tell her I loved her more than anything. Tell her… I always will. Tell her to move on. Tell her… I'm sorry I didn't… bring Nessie back… I'll take care of our baby now. I love them both so much… so mu-"_ He went limp in her arms.

"Noooo, not again! Why? What did I ever do to deserve this?" I shouted angrily to no one in particular. "Where the hell are you?" I screamed at the ceiling. "Is there a God? Is there a Devil? Is there anything?" No one answered of course. "Is there anything…" I choked. I collapsed to the floor again, my head bowed to the ground; I couldn't hold it up anymore, I was too worn. Everything was over; my life; my love; my strength; my will. And all I had left was emptiness.

Suddenly, I felt anger and hatred fill my every pore, my every cell. I slowly raised my head to look around the darkness of my home – no, not home anymore; it stopped being a home on October 14th 2008 – and all I found was emptiness. "Why?" I whispered to no one in particular. "Why?" I asked again, my voice louder, in case I wasn't heard. "Why the hell did that have to happen to them?" I rose to my feet, my hands balled in fists. I looked around, the furniture, the windows, the ceiling. "She was a child! An angel! She was the sweetest little girl! And him, he was the most amazing man there was. Why them? Why? To hell with me! I don't care about me, I never did. Why couldn't I have died? Were they too good for me? If so, why did they have to die? Why couldn't I have died instead of them? WHY CAN'T I DIE NOW?!" I shouted with all the strength I had at the top of my lungs. "WHY WON'T SOMEONE KILL ME?" I sobbed. "Why do I have to live this torment? Why? Why? Why…" the words died in my mouth as I fell once again on the floor. We had become such good friends in the last year. So I lay down there, on my side, holding my knees to my chest, bawling, trying to find a way to endure this incredible pain.

I lay on the floor, my body curled in a fetal position, trying desperately to get over the panic attack and maybe numb the pain away for a while. After a while – I don't know how long; it could have been minutes, hours or even days – I tried to move away from my current place of rest. I glanced up at it and there was a blue screen. _Blue, his favorite color on me_! Did everything have to remind me of him? Even if I tried, I couldn't stop myself from thinking about him… about them. I stood up, clutching at anything to support myself. My head was pounding and I was dizzy, but my memory was crystal clear. My beautiful daughter and my wonderful husband had been shot during a bank robbery and I… I would never see them again. I choked back a sob and I reached for the TV to shut it down.

I had just made my way to the couch when the doorbell stopped me. I wasn't expecting anyone. I had long convinced our family to leave me alone by lying to them that I was writing another book in order to deal with my grief. It couldn't have been further from the truth. I couldn't even approach our room without collapsing in the doorway, let alone start writing about them, or writing about anything in general, or doing anything at all. I had no will, no desire and no strength to do anything but drink, smoke and try to numb myself until the day I died.

People might wonder why I hadn't killed myself. I won't lie, I tried a few times, but I couldn't seem to do. No, I was not afraid for my life. In fact, my sole desire had been death, because I knew it would stop the pain. But I knew, I knew what it felt like to lose your child; I couldn't put Charlie and Renee through that. All I could do was wait, wait patiently till my organs collapsed and I finally died. At least they could have the excuse in the back of their minds, that it couldn't have been helped. No one would feel guilty for my demise.

I had no delusions of finding my husband and daughter in the afterlife. That was Edward, not me. I didn't believe in anything like that. In fact, I didn't believe in anything, no God, no Devil, no heaven, no hell. Maybe that wasn't fully true, because I knew hell existed, I was currently in it and I knew heaven did too, because I had once lived there with my two angels. And it dawned on me that that was the reason why I couldn't accept their death at all. The realization that they were no more, in no plain or reality, and that they would never be anywhere ever again… "ashes to ashes, dust to dust" amplified my pain. But the past year had been nothing but a confirmation of my belief. If there had been a God, or a greater power, he/she/it – whatever – would have at least saved Edward. I knew now that it had been way too late for my baby girl, but Edward… he could have been saved. The ambulance could have come on time. I remember being told by the detective that took over the case of the robbery in the TCF National Bank, that if the ambulance had arrived a few minutes earlier, he would have been saved. It had been involved in an accident on its way to the bank, and the moment they arrived at the hospital, Edward left his last breath.

As I made my way to the front door, I was hoping it wouldn't be anyone of our family; I didn't have the strength to deal with them. I wondered who else it could be. Had I ordered food? I couldn't remember.

The man standing right in front of me, when I opened the front door, was the last person I expected to see. His tentative smile resembled more of a grimace of pain. He had probably not recognized me yet. It was only logical, with the way I looked. I didn't try to return the smile, even if it had been a forced effort, on his part, to give me one, I had recognized it. I was looking at him with my usual cold and distant demeanor; the one I saved for everyone else and everywhere apart the interior of this house.

I knew who the man that stood at my threshold was, but I chose to play dumb, in the hope that he might leave me alone; heh, no such luck…

"Hello," I greeted curtly.

"Mrs…. Mrs. Cullen?" he asked incredulously and his eyes widened.

"Yes." My tone clipped.

"Um… I… uh…" he was stuttering and I was starting to feel impatient. I had long lost the patience to deal with any other human being and much more with people that were trying to pretend to know what I was going through. The only thing they ever offered was pity, and I hated it.

"Yes?" I prompted and raised an eyebrow not hiding my irritation.

I saw him gulp and blink rapidly. He was making a great effort to compose himself; for what reason, I couldn't fathom. He had already delivered all the bad news that destroyed my life. What more could there be for him to tell me? How could he ever hurt me more with his words or information? Then, as if a current of calmness had passed over him, he stared straight at me and started speaking with a formal, yet soft, voice, "Mrs. Cullen, I need to speak with you. I hope you remember me."

"Yes, Detective, I remember you," I said not moving from the spot I was occupying, obstructing both his entrance and view of the house. "But I can't imagine there being anything else for us to talk about." I hoped that my words would send him away and leave me alone, in peace, or rather in hell.

"Can I come in?"

"I don't see the reason why." I was being more than rude and I couldn't care less. Why wouldn't people just leave me the hell alone? Why did they think that their kindness and pity would make me feel better? It didn't. It never could. It never would.

"Oh…" It was obvious he was taken aback. He didn't expect this hostility from me. He made a tentative step backwards as he began to retreat from the threshold. _Yeah, that's right. Get the hell away from me!_ I had already put my hand on the door and started to move it slowly towards the frame to close it. "I suppose… uh… I'll see you tomorrow in court," he finally said and turned his back to leave.

_What? _Before he could take another step my mouth opened and the sound that came out of it was nothing like the coldness a few seconds ago; it was more of a shrill. "Wait!" His dark blue eyes were locked on mine, instantly. "What did you just say?" I asked not understanding, my voice sharp.

"The trial," he said in the simplest tone.

"What trial?" I opened the door widely and I moved closer to him. "What trial?" I repeated almost in front of his face as I felt anger starting to consume me.

"You don't know?" I shook my head. "But… but I informed the family myself. Didn't anyone tell you?"

I shook my head again, only this time I felt it, I was doing it frantically quickly and I assumed I must have looked like I was demented. I was close, but I was not there yet. The mention of this trial, I reckoned, would most certainly drive me there fully. My mind was filled with pictures of a court room, people talking about the robbery and the three demons that destroyed my life, sitting on the bench trying to defend themselves.

"Tell me…" I almost squeaked.

He didn't need an invitation; he grabbed the door with his large hand and walked through it almost bumping into me. I was aware of the detective's presence inside the house, but I couldn't move. I was frozen on the spot. Because the moment he removed himself from my view outside, my eyes were glued at the figure in front of me approaching. I gulped and blinked trying to clear my vision. _No, it couldn't be._

His beautiful green eyes were alight as he smiled at me while walking towards me. I opened my mouth to speak to him, as he was just one breath away from me, but no sound was coming out.…… I could practically smell his heavenly scent. Like a helpless drug addict I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply. Cinnamon and earth and sunshine and love; it was his scent. _"Come on, love. We have a guest."_ I heard his voice like the sweetest music in my ears. _Oh, God! Please don't let it be a dream, don't let it be a dream…_ I chanted inwardly over and over, while I opened my eyes to look at the love of my life, my soul-mate, offering me his crooked smile. And then, the most amazing thing in the world happened: I felt his lips on my forehead. For a moment I felt everything was back to normal and the past year had been nothing but a horrible figment of my imagination. My mind started filing away all "my imaginings" so that I could use them in future novels. They could become a great book; they had seemed so real.

I opened my eyes to see him right in front of me, smiling and looking absolutely happy and gorgeous. I couldn't help but return the smile; it had always been contagious. His happiness had been enough to alleviate any burden on my soul. I saw Edward wink at me and gracefully stride to the living room. My eyes, along with every fiber of my being, were drawn to him. I watched him sprawl in one of the loveseats – the one we used to spend so much time cuddling in – and raise an eyebrow cockily, knowing very well what he was doing to me. I was putty in his hands.

A voice, different from my love's even though soft, made me remove my attention from the god-like creature I called husband. I was met with a pair of dark blue eyes staring at me intently. I felt my face features relax from the smile that stretched them. "Mrs. Cullen?" he asked. I was wondering what he could possibly want. "Mrs. Cullen?" he repeated. "Mrs. Cullen, are you okay?" He reached his hand to grab my arm and I didn't respond. He shook it lightly. "Mrs. Cullen… Mrs… Bella?" His voice seemed worried, but I couldn't focus on that. My eyes were back to their gravitational center; the beautiful green pools smiling brightly at me. Edward shook his head, obviously amused at something and I couldn't understand what it was. I could hear the other man's voice, but I couldn't acknowledge the words. All my senses were trained to Edward. He chuckled lightly as he spoke, _"You're scaring the man, love. Say something."_

"Huh?"

"Bella… Bella!"

I could feel my body being shaken. For a while I couldn't understand what was causing me to shake. And then slowly I came around. I saw Detective Medina in front of me; his hands were grabbing my arms and shaking me out of… what? I tore my gaze from his worried face to the loveseat in front of me and there was… nothing.

"No…" I whispered as I felt reality hit me; as I felt everything turning back to black. I looked around frantically, not bothering to extract myself from the man in front of me, and I watched as heaven turned into hell. The bright colors, the light, the beauty, everything around me was transforming. It was as if it was all a wallpaper, and someone, a magical hand, was tearing it apart, revealing the ugliness it had been hiding all along. The light turned to darkness; no more colors, only grey; the clean, tidied furniture replaced by a dirty, chaotic space.

"No," my voice broke. "Not again." I felt moisture on my cheeks, but I was focused on the new old world that was again surrounding me.

"Bella, Bella, look at me." I was being shaken and the voice had such determination that I felt I had to comply. "Bella!" he shouted and my eyes met a man terrified.

I gulped, trying to stop the tears as I realized what was happening around me. I could see so many emotions painted all over detective Medina's face, but the most prominent was pity. No, I couldn't take pity; I hated pity. That was exactly why I stayed away from people; why I had shunned our family.

I shrugged away from his grip and inhaled, trying to calm myself. The smell of decay hit my nostrils and I knew I was back to hell.

"I'm…" I began, but I didn't know what to say to him. How could I explain to him that I had just had a hallucination and gone through a panic attack within just a few minutes.

"Are you okay?" he asked worriedly.

"Yeah, I'm fine." I was back to being cold.

"You didn't seem like you were fine a moment ago."

I was stunned at his directness. I opened and closed my mouth a couple of times, not knowing how to respond.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. It's not my place…" he trailed off. I nodded and walked to the living room. I quickly removed a few bottles from the couch, clearing a spot for him to take a seat. I gestured to the couch for him to sit and apologized in small voice, quite embarrassed. "I'm sorry." And I _was_ sorry, for the horrible state my house was in, for having had a break down in front of him, for making _him_ feel sorry for me.

He took a seat on the edge of the sofa, choosing to sit as close to me as possible. We were silent for a while, both examining our hands. His were large, strong and clean. Mine were simply awful; small, choppy, scabbed and with filth under the nails. The only thing that made them look like they once belonged to a woman were the two rings on my left hand, the wedding band and my engagement ring.

"Are you alright?" He raised his eyes and looked at me with concern. He shouldn't feel like that; it wasn't his place, yet I felt a little warm that someone might care. I nodded at his question without looking at him.

"Bella…" he started and my eyes flew to his instantly. "I'm sorry, Mrs. Cullen," he quickly amended and shifted awkwardly averting his gaze from me.

"It's okay, Detective, I don't mind," I said softly for the first time in the last year. "It's rather refreshing to hear my name again after so long," I added, more to myself than him.

He raised his head at my admission and smiled kindly and nodded.

"Tomorrow is the trial of the three men accused for robbing the Palatine branch of TCF National Bank." His tone was professional and emotionless like he was performing a very delicate surgery.

At his words I felt my body tense. Had they caught them? And then as if a bucket of cold, freezing water was thrown all over me, I was stunned. Everything changed in a few seconds. All my sadness and pain was replaced with something else, anger, hatred… desire for revenge.

"When… when were they…" I didn't need to finish the question, he knew what I was asking.

"A month ago," he said in a low voice.

"How?" I choked.

"Another robbery," he admitted and his head dropped as if he was responsible for my suffering, for the loss of two beautiful lives, rather than those vile creatures.

"Any victims?" I asked through clenched teeth.

He nodded and I felt my blood rush into my head turn it into an inferno.

"How many?" My hands clenched into fists.

"Just one, the teller." He turned to look at me and I saw the pity being replaced by guilt in his face. "She survived," he clarified as he took in my emotional state. Edward always told me I was an open book. _Edward…_ The thought calmed me and I relaxed my body posture, unclenching my fists.

I remained quiet, waiting for him to tell me everything and he did. "After the TCF incident…" I winced at his choice of words, but I shouldn't have. To everyone else it was just an incident, just another bank robbery. "A couple of months after that, a series of bank robberies started to occur in the general area of North Chicago. The M.O. was similar, but they seemed to be very careful. They had replaced the stockings over their heads with ski masks and all three of them were carrying shotguns. The only thing we had were their voices to connect them to the… the robbery a year ago. But a month ago… a month ago, they lost control again and we were able to catch them."

I sensed he wasn't going to tell me anything after that, but I needed to know. I needed to find out what it was that changed this time.

"How?" I croaked.

"The girl, the teller… She was feisty. She refused to comply at first and when they threatened her, she assaulted them verbally. They hit her, or rather one of them hit her, but they couldn't kill her, at least not yet. She had the combination for the vault and they needed her. The thing is… she reacted to their attack, she managed to hit the emergency button, allowing us to arrive in time to catch them."

"Why? Why would she risk her life for…"

"She didn't."

I looked at him, flabbergasted. What were they trying to do to her? Detective Medina saw the question in my eyes and shook his head.

"No, no, they didn't try anything like that. It's just…" he paused, "She was protecting something precious to her." I was still staring at him, not understanding what he was talking about. "One of the robbers noticed a heart-shaped necklace around her neck and tried to take it away from her." I gasped loudly and my hand flew to my mouth, trying to muffle the scream that had built up in my lungs.

"Did he…"

He shook his head. "No, but she was shot, with a shotgun, from a close distance, and she's been in the ICU since then in a coma," he finished in a sad tone.

"Oh, God!" I felt tears running down my face, but I was too stunned to wipe them away. It was the same, history repeating itself. That bastard, that demon, tried to kill another girl; he tried to deprive another mother of her daughter. The hatred I felt was overwhelming. It felt as though I was being slowly sunk in a cold lake, but the liquid was not water; it was the essence of hatred mixed with that of vengeance. I felt it cover my whole body until it came over my head. I was choking for a moment, trying to get air in my lungs, but then I let the liquid enter me; and it did. It filled every single organ, every pore, my every fiber. It was as if my blood was replaced with the thick liquid. The thick, black liquid tingled my veins, as it ran through them, and I almost shivered as its coldness came over me. It was so potent that I felt as if there was a war going on inside my body. The blood was trying to keep its dominance, but the new essence that was coming over me was stronger and its molecules seemed to crush every molecule of my blood. My heart stopped beating. I didn't need it to survive; I had my black liquid sustaining me.

I opened my eyes and looked at the slouched figure of Detective Medina on my couch. He seemed defeated and full of regret; probably for not having been able to rescue the girl, for having let another innocent pay the price of those monsters' greed. _No more; _I thought. In that moment a decision was made. I was going to go to the trial tomorrow and I was going to be prepared. No mother would grieve for her daughter, nor a wife for her husband, because of those vile creatures again.

"Thank you, Detective Medina." I could both hear it and feel it; my voice was different, effected by the change in me. Detective Medina raised his head and looked at me in awe.

"It's Alec," he corrected me immediately and then added. "What for?"

"For telling me. I need to see those…" I was struggling to find a word that would not alarm Alec of my intentions. "I need some closure," I stated and it wasn't a lie. I did need a closure. The death, of not one, but of two angels could not be left unpunished.

"I understand," he said simply.

It was at those words that Edward chose to appear again. He sat at the arm rest of the couch and beamed at me. I returned the smile, and as I was basking in his calming presence, I saw Vanessa appear running towards her father. He sat up from the couch and crouched to pick her up in his arms. He threw her in the air and my sweet baby girl giggled happily. Everything around them had changed. The disgusting world I had been living in started to fade away giving way to the bright wonderful place where my Vanessa and my Edward existed. The decay on the walls started to mend, the couch was returned to its original color, the blinds were open and sunlight bathed the room. Everything looked as beautiful as they had a year ago. And I felt, at that moment, that everything would be alright.

With a smile on my face, I removed my attention from the wonderful creatures holding in each other to a stunned Alec Medina.

"Pardon me, Alec, but you don't understand. You could never understand," I said in an eerily calm voice.

* * *

_Non sai più dove nasconderti _**_You don't know where to hide anymore_**

_i pensieri ti inseguono, anche di notte _**_the thoughts are chasing you, even at night_**

_e più gridi che vuoi provare _**_and you scream more that you want to try _**

_a dire che te ne freghi _**_and say that you don't give a damn_**

_non vanno _**_don't go away_**

_Non ti può aiutare nessuno _**_No one can help you_**

_quando la paura ti lega le mani _**_when fear ties your hands_**

_più nuoti, più affondi _**_ the more you swim, the more you sink_**

_ti senti solo, anche fra la gente _**_ you feel alone, even among people_**

_e come un bimbo nel buio _**_and like a child in the dark_**

_ti mordi le labbra per non gridare _**_you bite your lip in order not to cry_**

_Male **Pain**_

_male davvero **real pain**_

_male come un cane abbandonato fuori **pain like a dog abandoned outside**_

_e sono qui col cuore a pezzi **and I'm here with my heart in pieces**_

_e sto male _**and I'm sick**

_Male senza te **Sick without you**_

_male come un uomo che non ha capito** sick like a man that hasn't understood **_

_che si può morire e vivere ancora **that you can die and still live**_

_si può morire e vivere ancora** you can die and live again**_

_**

* * *

Male – Riccardo Cocciante**_

**_http://www(dot)youtube(dot)com/watch?v=IoKtu07zva8_**

_**A/N **_

_**Thanks to PTB and the wonderful betas, shelle87 and storytellerslie. Thanks to the amazing mods that made it possible for this story to be betaed again in just ONE day! And thanks to the community for their encouragement. **_

_**Camilla, thank you so much for helping out in the translation of this beautiful song.**_


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